A Linguistic Crime

Writing long sentences, which contain many relative clauses, being both restrictive and nonrestrictive and also making excessive use of participles, while distracting from the antecedent, as many subordinate clauses are created–the doing of which causes confusion of subjects–and using the relative pronoun which is the incorrect one in the given particular context, can be, especially on fridays, an extremely distasteful and dreadfully appalling use of language that results in low readability–which cannot honestly be imputed to the innocent reader, who has merely played the part of the spectator in this crime against humanity, but rather to the importunately, impetuously, and improperly incompetent writer, who has clearly lost his mind, or else thinks himself incredibly clever–if to him such an accreditation is credibly accredited–and to whom it is infeasible to give advice for the escaping from such a vice, for, indeed, he has, in fact, grown so very entirely–if it can be objectively stated–emancipated from all social, grammatical, logistical, ordinary, conventions, constraints, practices, and principles of the art and craft of writing that not even the slightest constructive (but not constrictive) comment, critique, or criticism can catch his capricious conscience–the fickle thing it is–long enough to cause him to change his unruly and grotesque use of language–and great frustration (which, in contrast may be imputed to the reader), that causes a sudden outburst of epidemic parenthephobia (which is a made up word (meaning an irrational fear of parenthesis (particularly when contained inside other parenthetical elements) or parenthetical elements (especially as a consequence of being exposed to two too many such elements or grammatical markings as a child (or young adult))) which should not be used in a clinical context) and logophobia (a real word, meaning, as a man once put it when he was quoting the Oxford English Dictionary, “the ‘[f]ear or [even better] distrust of words’ … how can you ‘distrust’ words?”), but trust these words: there are Absolutely, Beyond Controversy, Definitely Endless Fictitious Grounds Here, I Judge, Kneaded Lightly, Mended Nicely, Onto Portions Quixotically Ranging Seven Thick Unit Verses With Xylophones You-surping Zealously their outer perimeter for the utter flawlessness and perfect infallibility of this new literary style.

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