I was recently informed that my comic relief section is neither comical nor relieving.  Indeed, not a single critic has reported laughing so hard that it was necessary to seek relief, and all have, most fortunately, relieved themselves elsewhere. I consequentially have taken it upon myself to identify the reason for this drought of humor and have come to the following conclusion: Calculus.  Indeed, calculus is my answer to just about all of life’s problems, and I do believe it will serve me well here in its failure to serve.  The problem is simply that most people don’t find calculus to be all that funny˚.

This very post is the epitome of my problem.  Most of you who are reading this probably did not so much as chuckle at the opening paragraph. It seems so serious and dry–how could I possibly be sneaking anything funny in there?  But I assure you that with a little reading of the places that lack words, the humor will come pouring out almost beyond one’s control. The meat of the humor is it’s painsteaking subtleness; indeed, at its very core is a quiet irony–an irony softer than the lowest hanging cloud in the heavens. If you sense something fishy in the wording of a phrase, it is likely a sardonic remark.

So to help out those of you who are stray without simper, I have created the following list of folly philosophy:

1. A fake word is always immatchable in function to a real word even when a real one would be sufficious.

2. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

3. Originality is yet vitaler.

4. If a reader’s mind should contain a phrase, it must be ambiguous.

5. Hyperbole is very, very important.

6. Language should be plainly outdated.

7. The matter in the phrases should have more references to things that no one gets than insects would be found in Helios’ chariot if the sun bread maggots. Almost to the point of ecstasy.

7.5 Relevance is irrelevant.

8. Calculus jokes are infinitely better than arithmetic jokes.

9. In all honesty, the post should have one recurring theme.

10. Accessibility and excessibility are prioritized in reverse order.

For those of you who do get my jokes, I humbly apologize for my paronomasian sense of humor.


˚ So let us find the cause of this effect, or rather, let us say, the cause of this defect, for this effect defective comes by cause–thus it remains.  The remainder? Thus.